The gates are ope: now prove good seconds: 'Tis for the followers fortune widens them, Not for the fliers: mark me

A quick, vulgar version of Coriolanus.  Part I.

Act I, Scene I.
Rome.  A street.

(Enter MENENIUS, MARCIUS and SOME CITIZENS)
Citizens:  We hate Marcius!  He's a jerk!
Menenius Agrippa: No, no!  He's pretty cool.
Caius Marcius: Citizens?  Fuck you guys.
(enter MESSENGER)
Messenger: The Volscians are in the field!  With an army!
Marcius: Volscians!  Fuck those guys!
Messenger: Led by Tullus Aufidius.
Marcius: Aufidius!!!  Fuck that guy!  In the ear!!!
(exit MARCIUS)

Act I, Scene IV.
Before Corioli

(Enter MARCIUS and SOME DUDES)
First Dude: Whew!  Fighting is hard.
Second Dude: Look!  The Volscians retreat within the walls of their city!
First Dude: To follow would mean certain death!
Marcius: Psh!
(MARCIUS chases the WHOLE VOLSCIAN ARMY within their walls.  The gates are shut behind him.)
Third Dude: Woah.
Second Dude: Welp!  He's fucked.  Might as well go home.
(The gates are opened.  MARCIUS stands there, alone, covered in blood and juggling the heads of the WHOLE VOLSCIAN ARMY.)
Third Dude: Woah.


Act I, Scene IX.
The Roman camp.

(Enter COMINIUS, MARCIUS, SOME DUDES and CHEWBACCA)
Cominius: Dude, that was awesome.
Marcius: Psh.
(COMINIUS gives MARCIUS a medal)
Chewbacca: Raaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr!
Cominius: From now on I'm gonna call you "Coriolanus".
First Dude (aside): Heh.
Second Dude (aside): Does that mean "the asshole of Corioli".
Third Dude: Won't that confuse the audience?
Cominius: It's the name of the play, dickweed!  They're just going to have to work for it.  Now, Coriolanus...
Marcius: ...
Cominius: Coriolanus, come on, let's go.
Marcius: ...
Cominius: MARCIUS!
Marcius: Huh?
Cominius: You're Coriolanus now.  Got it?  Good.  Let's go.
(Exeunt)